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Why Your Team Sucks Carolina: A Reflection

chknwing

By chknwing,
in Carolina Panthers

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chknwing Grand Master

chknwing

Posted
Posted

ok way back before the season An article on ever team was done on why they suck.  Most of us laughed and blew it off.  Reading back through, jesus christ how accurate it was.  The only thing wrong was about Kelvin but dam.

 

Heres the article.  http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-carolina-panthers-1620050552

 

Excerpts

 

Your 2013 record: 12-4. The Panthers won the division and were able to save Ron Rivera's job. OH poo THEY SAVED RON RIVERA'S JOB DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! You know what they say: If you can't spot the obvious candidate for regression in 2014, then YOU are the obvious candidate for regression in 2014.

 

Anyway, with your memory now refreshed, I think we can all agree that Ron Rivera can try to not be Ron Rivera all he likes. But when it really matters, he will go right back to being Ron Rivera. I watched Marty Schottenheimer coach for two decades. I know how this works.

 

By the way, the success of the Panthers defense last season helped mask the fact that Cam Newton turned the ball over more last season than he ever has in his career. Thankfully, the Panthers front office spent this offseason giving Cam all of the weapons and critical pass protection he needs to truly flourish. LOL JK THEY fugED HIM GOOD.

 

What's new that sucks: Ah, that's just it. The Panthers lost Steve Smith, Brandon LaFell, and the entire right side of the offensive line. But don't worry! Jerricho Cotchery is here to make up for all of that. Smith is the only good wideout Cam Newton has ever had to work with, and he is now gone. And when you cut ties with Steve Smith, you ensure that Steve Smith will spend the rest of his lifetime vowing to pay you back a hundred fold. This team plays Baltimore in Week 4 and I assume that Smith has some sort of Extreme Red Wedding planned for the occasion: mortar fire, arrows, baby-punching, etc.

 

On the defensive side of the ball, pretty much everyone from last year's secondary is gone, which is bad! To help plug the gaps, the Panthers signed Roman Harper, who is 97 years old. Why do teams keep giving Roman Harper work? Does Bill Parcells threaten to sit on GMs if they don't bring Harper in for a workout?

 

 

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