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It's Jaguar Week! Come get some.

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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SCP Enthusiast

SCP

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Preseason’s over! Preseason’s over! Thank God almighty the preseason is over.   We have dealt with our fair share of injuries and I’m not going to sugar coat it, that truly sucks balls.  But, like with everything in life you have to put the negatives behind you, grab the bull by the horns, and forge ahead with what you’ve got.  All hands on deck bitches.  

Sniff sniff.  What’s that smell?  There is a smell of sh*t in the air and for once it’s not me.  I am not writing this post from the restroom.  Folks, that smell you are smelling is none other than the city of Jacksonville, FL.  A city that claims to be the largest in America but when you peal back the onion you see it’s because the city leaders incorporated 98% of Duval County.  95% of that “city” is made up of Orange Park which is home to more white trash than a Darlington, SC rebel flag rally.  Every episode of COPS was filmed in Jacksonville and the city’s claim to fame is the Jacksonville Landing which consists of a Hooters and a few other mall food court level dining options.  If you’re driving down you’ll have better luck stopping off in Brunswick GA, hitting a Ruby Tuesday, and eating 6 plates of that fake ham on their salad bar.  “Come dine outside along the St John’s River” they say at Hooters.  That’s a fantastic idea if you like smelling a nose tingling combination of coffee, terpene based aroma chemicals (google that poo), and raw sewage while your overweight Hooter’s waitress serves you undercooked wings and flat Coors Light in a pitcher with a MRSA infested baggie of ice floating in it.  If that’s not really your scene, you could always walk a few blocks north and dodge bullets.  Or, if bullets and poop smell along the St John’s is not your cup of waist water, you can always grab a ride and make the 6 hour drive from downtown out to Jax Beach and visit the redneck Riviera.  There is a great sports bar and an oyster bar.  If you are into pregnant chicks that smoke and drink this will be your goldmine.  If you don’t like hanging out at bars with parking lots full of Pontiac Aztecs and 1990 Buick LeSabres, then my recommendation is to hunker down at the Mandarin Ale House on San Jose Blvd. and wait until the cheap beer sells out of the local stores.  This normally happens by 10am.  Then and only then is it safe to venture out onto the streets of J’ville because the locals will be holed up in their trailers trying to create new ways to get high out of household cleaning products.  

When Sunday rolls around and the game kicks off, I will be 100% certain about three things.  One is that we will witness the Jags wearing the ugliest uniforms ever designed.  If you locked the marketing teams from Applebee’s and Life Alert in a room and told them to design a football uniform, even they would come out with something better than the Jags.  The helmet goes from black to gold.  There is not even a transition!  It’s ridiculous.  Their owner looks like Ron Jeremey with a spray tan and is determined to hold most of the teams home games in the UK or some sh*t.  So apparently ridiculously hideous uniforms are cool in Europe.  The second thing I am certain about is the stadium in Jax is the only venue that gets bent over by opposing fans more than BofA stadium.  At least we can hold our own when the Cards come to town.  These clowns in J’ville would get owned by a Canadian football fan base.  The damned Moosejaw Roughriders would outnumber Jags fans 15/1 if they ever played a game in Everbank.  The third and final thing I am 100% certain about is that Panther fans in attendance will see more jean shorts at Everbank Stadium than at a Wrangler outlet store in Myrtle Beach.  It’s like everybody in J’ville had their cable cut off in the middle of a Levi commercial in 1993.  So if you see somebody in jorts with black Reebok Pumps and a cut off shirt that says “Jack del Rio is the father of my baby”, you’ll know that person is a Jags fan.

As for the game itself, I am not sure what to expect.  We seem to have a very deep roster but we lack a number one WR threat since our guy went down.  But you know what?  I have a gut feeling that Cam Newton is going to say fug this sh*t.  Cam will put this offense on his back this season.  We finally have an o-line that should give us an advantage in a game like the Jags game.  Our offensive coordinator has the smarts and creativity of plastic spork but I think we have just enough depth to overcome his deficiencies.  I have no clue what Jacksonville has.  I only think about them once every 4 years.  I know our defense should be able to pressure the hell out of Bortles and that he has lost his main TE receiving threat.  Its going to be hot as hell but Panther fans will be there in droves to pick our guys up thanks to the amazing RoaringRiot.  I think the game is closer than many think but in the end our running game settles in and our defense is too much for Bortles.  My helmet is pointing north towards BofA stadium.  It has not moved.  We cannot lose.  I think we win the turnover battle and win the game 

Panthers 24
Jags 13  

 

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TNPanther Community Regular

TNPanther

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This past year I had all intentions of going to Tennessee's bowl game. I was already preparing to buy my tickets and had assembled a crew together to road trip to the game. When it was announced that the game would be in Jacksonville, I said fug no and watched it at a bar instead. That's how much Jacksonville sucks.

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