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Falcons week: Matt Ryan wears braided belts

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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SCP

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12-0.  I know it hasn't been 24 hours yet but the Saints are yesterday's news. I'm already fired up for the Falcons and I can't wait any longer.  I'm on the road all week in cold ass Chicago but I'm warm on the inside.  Normally just being 12-0 would be enough to make me do the worm at the office.  But going 12-0 in New Orleans and getting to enjoy the added bonus of seeing Coach Zoolander whine about the officiating has made this victory even sweeter.  I’m poppin and lockin harder than any middle aged white dude has ever popped and locked.  What’s left of that fake ass Who Dat nation is crying tears all over social media.  Fact of the matter is Cam Newton and Co. beat Dat Ass on a day that featured multiple turnovers, an extra point block returned for 2 points, and a Panthers defense that seemed a little out of sorts.  Drew and his face mole gave it their best effort but in the end our d-line ran through that Saints o-line faster than a Big Mac goes through my digestive tract.  Remember Saint fans?  That Dome had a lot of empty seats which proves my theory that Saint fans are nothing but a mirage.  And like a mirage I have blinked my eyes and they are gone.  Irrelevant.  Enjoy discussing the draft you bunch of barnacle scraping jack wagons.  The 24 hour rule is expiring early this week and it is time to move on to our next opponent.  The Atlanta Falcons are coming to Charlotte and that skinny little bitch ass Mackenzie Phillips looking tampon will be under center in our house.  Well I’m here to tell you that heat melts ice which creates water which is the only ingredient you need to cook Ramen Noodles.  That’s right, Matt Ryan is bringing his slinky to the Bank and it’s time to bring the heat.

image.jpeg.7e17c228dd4ad9a7bb66e57d2cba7image.jpeg.aab3f82e1e4010ff5adc054b87891

He calls himself Matty Ice.  The year is 2007.  Matt and his group of bro’s are sitting around a dorm room on a chilly Saturday evening up in Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts.  They are LARPing and Matt is playing the role of the town wench like he normally does.   Nobody can squeal like a 14 year old girl quite like Matt so he owns the role every Saturday night and his buddies know to not even think about asking him to play a different part.  On this particular evening Matt is sitting there in his Joanie Loves Chachi t-shirt with a distant, melancholy look on his face.  His buddies asked him if the popcorn was making his tummy hurt or something?  Matt brushed it off with a smirk and a wave but he couldn’t stop the burning sensation he was feeling inside.  He was in the middle of an epiphany.  “I need a nickname” he thinks to himself.  

 

Like any other Saturday night, Matt and his pals were LARPing and swapping stories and giving each other Texas titty twisters when somebody messed up and mentioned a girl’s name.  But unlike the numerous Saturday nights that preceded this particular evening, Top Gun was playing in the background on TBS at the exact moment of Matt’s epiphany.  Matt, being a huge Tom Cruise fan, watched intently as Maverick made the statement that would change his life forever.  At this point, Matt was totally ignoring his bro’s and the LARP session.  His eyes were laser focused on the Toshiba MV13K2 13” TV/VCR combo unit next to his bed.  It was like he was one with Maverick and he could feel his lips quiver as he repeated the Tom Cruise line “That's right! Ice... man. I am dangerous.”  Those seven words were repeated in Matt’s head and he began to feel really cool, like totally awesome.  Kind of like when the Grinch realized he was a douchebag and his heart grew 7 times, Matt’s ego started to grow.  Matt leaps to his feet, startling his bro’s, and shouted “Hey dudes, call me Matty Ice from now on!  Just do it OK?!”.  Immediately his buddies jumped to their feet and began celebrating with Matt.  They high fived and did a few six shooter salutes.  They made plans to talk about the Ice Man around campus so it would catch on.  And catch on it did.  You started hearing about it on ESPN.   With every mention this skinny red faced bitch boy’s ego grew and grew.  He rode the nickname that he gave himself into the NFL draft.  

 

In a strange twist of fate, the self proclaimed Matty Ice ended up going to an NFL team that also featured a made up rallying cry that is now plastered all over the Panthers second home field, the Georgia Dome.  Unlike its NFCS foe, our Carolina Panthers, whose Keep Pounding rallying cry has actual meaning, the Falcons had to dip into the well of a marketing focus group to find a stupid slogan they could build a campaign around.  The Saints already stole a rallying cry from the Bengals and Tampa Bay uses some stupid “Arrrgh me hearty” pirate crap so the Falcons had a real opportunity to establish some fake bravado and tradition by creating a rallying cry that fans could get behind.  So the Falcons reached out to the 12 white trash Falcons season ticket holders from Cobb County and invited them down to the big city to have a brainstorming session.  6 of them lived in the same trailer park and were late because the 1981 AMC Concord they used to carpool ran out of gas on I-20.  They eventually arrived and after 15 hours of deliberation the Falcons marketing team and the 12 hill jacks agreed on “Rise Up”.  Never let a female Falcon fan that looks like Dawg the Bounty Hunter vote on a rally slogan.  This is the kind of thing you will end with https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49tagxjRszc

 

So a few years have gone by and they now have a QB that suffers from rectal discharge during games, a new coach that was going to take them to a Superb Owl this season, and a stupid ass rallying cry that instills fear into nobody.  Meanwhile the owner is building a new stadium that resembles a dilated sphincter right in the heart of downtown Atlanta.  Arthur’s Anus will now be visible from space.  I started a thread back in January in the Smack Forum attempting to nickname the new Falcons stadium so this might be a good opportunity to get some more input.  These are the names I threw out for the new Panthers home away from home:

 image.thumb.png.3e84bf858f9455cedd504c8a

The Big Cornhole

The Red Sombrero

Arthur's Anus

The Butthole that Blanks Built

Roddy's Roid Shack

The Big Colostomy Bag

Feces of Dreams Dome ( If you wipe it, they will come)

The Chevy Pooper Dome

The Chocolate Bowl

The Diocese of Dooky

The Hallowed Grounds of Hemorrhoid

Dingleberry Dome

The Red and Black Starfish

The Stool Sample

Ryan's Rectum

The Shocker Dome

The Winking Red Eye of Georgia

The Fulton County Balloon Knot

Arthur's Orifice

The Toss My Salad Bowl

Puckered Anus Palace

 

Please feel free to offer any of your own suggestions…

 

As for the game on Sunday, I am ready to rock the Bank.  The Falcons are a soft team.  Our defense is going to be pissed after the performance they put on tape against the Saints.  I think we sack Matt Ryan multiple times and we dominate the ground and pound game.  Luke and TD will rule the day.  I’m not wasting any more time typing.  Hey Falcon fans, Rise Up and make me a sammich.

 

Panthers 38

Falcons 14

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The Lobo Grand Master

The Lobo

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22 minutes ago, SCP said:

Damn I'm ready for Sunday. I loathe Matt Ryan and the Falcons.

I can't believe you pied one of my posts. That's awesome. That would be like George R Martin meeting the guy who came up with Krispy Kreme. You sir, are a gift to this world. Good day

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