Jump to content

  • Welcome!

    Register and log in easily with Twitter or Google accounts!

    Or simply create a new Huddle account. 

    Members receive fewer ads , access our dark theme, and the ability to join the discussion!

     

SCOOPED! the definitive last word on babygate

PhillyB

By PhillyB,
in Carolina Panthers

Recommended Posts

PhillyB Grand Master

PhillyB

Posted
Posted

much has been made of allegations that cam newton is a father. it's contributed in a significant way to the distraction on this board, and while i doubt it's a distraction to the team, least of all cam personally, it's clear by his touchdown celebration that he's at least heard about it. ever the troll, he never confirmed nor denied, instead just ambiguously rocking the football like babby and walking off the field, keeping charlotte's most gullible with jaws hung low, tongues slack, and TMZ apps refreshing.

you can flush all of that down to the toilet. cam doesn't have a baby.

my wife is in grad school, in a nurse practitioner program. certified NPs are one step below MDs in terms of professional discretion and opportunity; the only real difference is you can't open up your own practice. through the course of years of training for this, through an internationally prominent university and through extensive clinical programs in various states, she's developed lots of contacts throughout the medical field, enough to tap into for various questions. with this in mind, and without further ado, here is why cam doesn't have a baby:

1) none of the four major hospitals inside the ATL beltway ever registered cam, his girlfriend, or any nuclear family members as patients inside a maternity ward. without violating HIPAA, and without giving away contacts inside the greater metro area health network, i can tell you no child of cam newton's was born in atlanta at any point this month.

2) an extensive search of publicly-accessible birth records returns no results for cam newton's paternity. fulton county's register of deeds updates twice weekly, including mondays.

3) one of my wife's best friends is friends with one of cam's girlfriend's friends. this is umpteen degrees of separation, but the important thing is my wife's best friend sees snapchats featuring cam newton's girlfriend, including plenty over the past six months where she was, in fact, not pregnant. And, perhaps most damning of all:

4) don't ask me how i got it, but i've acquired a screengrab of a snapchat sent by hazel the day after christmas.

 

snapsr.com-e9ce2aa2c325e7bc318c606902ff0

 

 

it's hard to imagine that cam newton's girlfriend is in gastonia. a more logical conclusion is that "gastonian" refers to the top-end spa and resort in savannah, which would explain why she's in a bikini in december. incidentally, savannah is where cam's mother and father live, which would make sense as a christmastime location. note that she is neither pregnant, nursing, nor carrying the transcendent demigod that would be cam newton's child.

5) it's impossible to keep a pregnancy secret in your own circle of friends that nobody cares about, much less the courts of international superstars and roving paparazzi whose monthly commissions are based on their ability to sniff these kinds of things out. if cam newton was a father you'd have heard about it months ago, and it would've been substantiated by more than this photograph, which to date is the basis of the entire thing.

 

newton.jpg.0aaebba2149361688b6e8c9913160

 

pretty lame, huh?

so now you can stop wondering. and next time you see some googly-eyed, gargle-mouthed, sweat-browed, dirt-fingered son of a bitch gagging on his own uvula in his hurry to tell you how cam newton has a baby because it was online, slap some goddamn sense into that ass clown and tell him we're moving on to tampa bay. because we are.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
PhillyB Grand Master

PhillyB

Posted
  • Author
Posted

follow me on twitter @pablattenberger for real insider scoops, celebrity news, football scandal, and teasers about an incredibly exciting collaborative project headlining over the bye week, as compiled by myself and a legendary huddle poster who shall not be named

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Kevin Greene Newbie

Kevin Greene

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, PhillyB said:

 

pretty lame, huh?

so now you can stop wondering. and next time you see some googly-eyed, gargle-mouthed, sweat-browed, dirt-fingered son of a bitch gagging on his own uvula in his hurry to tell you how cam newton has a baby because it was online, slap some goddamn sense into that ass clown and tell him we're moving on to tampa bay. because we are.

Yeah this embarrasses all of SoCal.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Kevin Greene Newbie

Kevin Greene

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, PhillyB said:

follow me on twitter @pablattenberger for real insider scoops, celebrity news, football scandal, and teasers about an incredibly exciting collaborative project headlining over the bye week, as compiled by myself and a legendary huddle poster who shall not be named

So Zod will pay you amiright?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
Go to topic listing

  • PMH4OWPW7JD2TDGWZKTOYL2T3E.jpg

  • Topics

  • Posts

    • WhoKnows
      Player Led culture vs Staff Led

      By WhoKnows · Posted

      It’s simple. Win and everyone in here will say the culture is good. Dear lord the amount of time spent on these posts is hysterical. We’ve seen the end of season swoons where you can tell the team had given up with many of the same leaders that took us to playoff seasons. When your OL is decimated by injuries, it’s amazing how fast culture turns. When you get on a tear like 2015, everyone’s having fun. You need the right people regardless, but they have to win.
    • panthers55
      Player Led culture vs Staff Led

      By panthers55 · Posted

      The difference is about how much player input is allowed and encouraged in the decision making process. Top down teams tend to dictate to players how everything is handled. Disagreements are handled by the coach and players are expected to do what they are told regardless of what they think or feel.  Players are perceived as commodities to be used until we find better. In player led teams player input is encouraged and valued. Players and especially leaders are expected to settle their own disagreements and be accountable to the team but mostly to each other. Players are family to be appreciated and supported in their growth. Is the reality of football the same in both? Yeah there are limited positions, football is a business and winning is the bottom line. Coaches get final say and run the program because that is their job. But in player led teams they feel valued, appreciated, part of a larger whole. Most people who have worked at multiple jobs know exactly what I am talking about. When players try to run the show and don't value  coach input that isn't a player led team, that is a circus which we surely are familiar with in our past.  
    • Panthers Fan 69
      NHL Draft 2025

      By Panthers Fan 69 · Posted

      For our pics and trades tonight and tmrw.  Remember, Aho was a 2nd rounder and Slavin was a 4th rounder. 
×
×
  • Create New...