Jump to content
  • Welcome!

    Register and log in easily with Twitter or Google accounts!

    Or simply create a new Huddle account. 

    Members receive fewer ads , access our dark theme, and the ability to join the discussion!

     

SCOOPED! the definitive last word on babygate


PhillyB

Recommended Posts

much has been made of allegations that cam newton is a father. it's contributed in a significant way to the distraction on this board, and while i doubt it's a distraction to the team, least of all cam personally, it's clear by his touchdown celebration that he's at least heard about it. ever the troll, he never confirmed nor denied, instead just ambiguously rocking the football like babby and walking off the field, keeping charlotte's most gullible with jaws hung low, tongues slack, and TMZ apps refreshing.

you can flush all of that down to the toilet. cam doesn't have a baby.

my wife is in grad school, in a nurse practitioner program. certified NPs are one step below MDs in terms of professional discretion and opportunity; the only real difference is you can't open up your own practice. through the course of years of training for this, through an internationally prominent university and through extensive clinical programs in various states, she's developed lots of contacts throughout the medical field, enough to tap into for various questions. with this in mind, and without further ado, here is why cam doesn't have a baby:

1) none of the four major hospitals inside the ATL beltway ever registered cam, his girlfriend, or any nuclear family members as patients inside a maternity ward. without violating HIPAA, and without giving away contacts inside the greater metro area health network, i can tell you no child of cam newton's was born in atlanta at any point this month.

2) an extensive search of publicly-accessible birth records returns no results for cam newton's paternity. fulton county's register of deeds updates twice weekly, including mondays.

3) one of my wife's best friends is friends with one of cam's girlfriend's friends. this is umpteen degrees of separation, but the important thing is my wife's best friend sees snapchats featuring cam newton's girlfriend, including plenty over the past six months where she was, in fact, not pregnant. And, perhaps most damning of all:

4) don't ask me how i got it, but i've acquired a screengrab of a snapchat sent by hazel the day after christmas.

 

snapsr.com-e9ce2aa2c325e7bc318c606902ff0

 

 

it's hard to imagine that cam newton's girlfriend is in gastonia. a more logical conclusion is that "gastonian" refers to the top-end spa and resort in savannah, which would explain why she's in a bikini in december. incidentally, savannah is where cam's mother and father live, which would make sense as a christmastime location. note that she is neither pregnant, nursing, nor carrying the transcendent demigod that would be cam newton's child.

5) it's impossible to keep a pregnancy secret in your own circle of friends that nobody cares about, much less the courts of international superstars and roving paparazzi whose monthly commissions are based on their ability to sniff these kinds of things out. if cam newton was a father you'd have heard about it months ago, and it would've been substantiated by more than this photograph, which to date is the basis of the entire thing.

 

newton.jpg.0aaebba2149361688b6e8c9913160

 

pretty lame, huh?

so now you can stop wondering. and next time you see some googly-eyed, gargle-mouthed, sweat-browed, dirt-fingered son of a bitch gagging on his own uvula in his hurry to tell you how cam newton has a baby because it was online, slap some goddamn sense into that ass clown and tell him we're moving on to tampa bay. because we are.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

follow me on twitter @pablattenberger for real insider scoops, celebrity news, football scandal, and teasers about an incredibly exciting collaborative project headlining over the bye week, as compiled by myself and a legendary huddle poster who shall not be named

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, PhillyB said:

 

pretty lame, huh?

so now you can stop wondering. and next time you see some googly-eyed, gargle-mouthed, sweat-browed, dirt-fingered son of a bitch gagging on his own uvula in his hurry to tell you how cam newton has a baby because it was online, slap some goddamn sense into that ass clown and tell him we're moving on to tampa bay. because we are.

Yeah this embarrasses all of SoCal.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 minutes ago, PhillyB said:

follow me on twitter @pablattenberger for real insider scoops, celebrity news, football scandal, and teasers about an incredibly exciting collaborative project headlining over the bye week, as compiled by myself and a legendary huddle poster who shall not be named

So Zod will pay you amiright?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

  • PMH4OWPW7JD2TDGWZKTOYL2T3E.jpg

  • Topics

  • Posts

    • Give me Mitchell Evans over T Sanders in this run heavy offense any day of the week. 
    • What's up gents, the OGs remember me, the guy who single-handedly gave the Panthers the greatest uniform in history moniker. Not too long after that I got involved with Pro Football Focus (pre-Collinsworth acquisition) and ended up taking backseat here to preserve some objectivity. But from a distance I noticed a lot. After the end of the Cam era this place devolved into the most un-fun, petty, negative cesspool of whining and bitching that has ever graced the internet. The worst part of it all is that the level of discussion turned into the most ill-informed, hot-take, unnuanced crap, rife with people talking out of their posteriors as if they have any clue about what they are watching. Once you get into the professional side of the sport and actual film rooms, you start to understand there's an absurd number of moving parts to pretty much every snap and the details you are privy to are truly only half the picture. The absolute most important thing I learned from being part of professional level football analysis is that quarterbacking is literally the most intricate and difficult position in all of professional sports, and that the NFL itself is struggling to develop any workable model that allows them to understand what makes one succeed vs what makes one fail. Because of this paradox it has also made the quarterback position itself grossly overvalued from a fan and media standpoint, creating an absurd fixation on the results delivered by a single player who has to rely on the contributions of everyone around them. This also drives the dreaded inflation of QB salaries that inevitably cause even elite teams to lose key talent all to pour cash into the one player supposed to be able to single-handedly elevate the entire team (and defense and special teams and coaching and ownership by some mysterious proxy), yet without those same players even talented teams can wander the wilderness searching for the right guy to take advantage of their talent window. The discussions the last few years around Bryce has personified this insanity, as this board has devolved into some sort of electronic civil war between the hyperbolic Young supporters and the vitriolic Bryce haters. The reality, like practically everything in this world, is somewhere in the middle. He has traits that can absolutely elevate a team with creativity, play recognition, off-arm angle throws, mental toughness, etc. He's also physically limited, with mostly "good-enough" qualities for most situations that a professional quarterback is asked to do, and will never be an overpowering physical force like pre-injury Cam. But "good-enough" physicality represents a large majority of championship-winning quarterbacks, even in the modern era. There's a reason the corpse of Peyton Manning took the chip from elite physical specimen Cam, because the team surrounding him was talented enough to get him there, while we all know Cam was the driving force of that 2015 team. That's no knock on him, that's just how the game of football tends to work: the more complete team usually wins. The summary is this: if this team lives or dies solely on the performance of its quarterback, then it is absolutely a paper tiger even if he plays brilliantly week in and out. There are no superheroes in this sport, there are only conduits that proxy the collective efforts of much of the team around them. And no one alive can tell you how the position is played perfectly, it's all a confluence of circumstance and what unique collection of traits each player brings to the position, which can never be truly recreated season after season, even for the same player on the same team. If this place remains a raging hellscape of idiotic hot takes I will happily remove myself again and do something more productive for yet another decade, but maybe's there hope that we can all get back to the old adage, and keep pounding.
    • Really impressed how the bottom six have looked the past couple games
×
×
  • Create New...