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SCOOPED! the definitive last word on babygate


PhillyB

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much has been made of allegations that cam newton is a father. it's contributed in a significant way to the distraction on this board, and while i doubt it's a distraction to the team, least of all cam personally, it's clear by his touchdown celebration that he's at least heard about it. ever the troll, he never confirmed nor denied, instead just ambiguously rocking the football like babby and walking off the field, keeping charlotte's most gullible with jaws hung low, tongues slack, and TMZ apps refreshing.

you can flush all of that down to the toilet. cam doesn't have a baby.

my wife is in grad school, in a nurse practitioner program. certified NPs are one step below MDs in terms of professional discretion and opportunity; the only real difference is you can't open up your own practice. through the course of years of training for this, through an internationally prominent university and through extensive clinical programs in various states, she's developed lots of contacts throughout the medical field, enough to tap into for various questions. with this in mind, and without further ado, here is why cam doesn't have a baby:

1) none of the four major hospitals inside the ATL beltway ever registered cam, his girlfriend, or any nuclear family members as patients inside a maternity ward. without violating HIPAA, and without giving away contacts inside the greater metro area health network, i can tell you no child of cam newton's was born in atlanta at any point this month.

2) an extensive search of publicly-accessible birth records returns no results for cam newton's paternity. fulton county's register of deeds updates twice weekly, including mondays.

3) one of my wife's best friends is friends with one of cam's girlfriend's friends. this is umpteen degrees of separation, but the important thing is my wife's best friend sees snapchats featuring cam newton's girlfriend, including plenty over the past six months where she was, in fact, not pregnant. And, perhaps most damning of all:

4) don't ask me how i got it, but i've acquired a screengrab of a snapchat sent by hazel the day after christmas.

 

snapsr.com-e9ce2aa2c325e7bc318c606902ff0

 

 

it's hard to imagine that cam newton's girlfriend is in gastonia. a more logical conclusion is that "gastonian" refers to the top-end spa and resort in savannah, which would explain why she's in a bikini in december. incidentally, savannah is where cam's mother and father live, which would make sense as a christmastime location. note that she is neither pregnant, nursing, nor carrying the transcendent demigod that would be cam newton's child.

5) it's impossible to keep a pregnancy secret in your own circle of friends that nobody cares about, much less the courts of international superstars and roving paparazzi whose monthly commissions are based on their ability to sniff these kinds of things out. if cam newton was a father you'd have heard about it months ago, and it would've been substantiated by more than this photograph, which to date is the basis of the entire thing.

 

newton.jpg.0aaebba2149361688b6e8c9913160

 

pretty lame, huh?

so now you can stop wondering. and next time you see some googly-eyed, gargle-mouthed, sweat-browed, dirt-fingered son of a bitch gagging on his own uvula in his hurry to tell you how cam newton has a baby because it was online, slap some goddamn sense into that ass clown and tell him we're moving on to tampa bay. because we are.

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follow me on twitter @pablattenberger for real insider scoops, celebrity news, football scandal, and teasers about an incredibly exciting collaborative project headlining over the bye week, as compiled by myself and a legendary huddle poster who shall not be named

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6 minutes ago, PhillyB said:

 

pretty lame, huh?

so now you can stop wondering. and next time you see some googly-eyed, gargle-mouthed, sweat-browed, dirt-fingered son of a bitch gagging on his own uvula in his hurry to tell you how cam newton has a baby because it was online, slap some goddamn sense into that ass clown and tell him we're moving on to tampa bay. because we are.

Yeah this embarrasses all of SoCal.

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5 minutes ago, PhillyB said:

follow me on twitter @pablattenberger for real insider scoops, celebrity news, football scandal, and teasers about an incredibly exciting collaborative project headlining over the bye week, as compiled by myself and a legendary huddle poster who shall not be named

So Zod will pay you amiright?

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