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The Five Stages of Football Grief

Guest Irv

By Guest Irv,
in Carolina Panthers

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Guest Irv

Guest Irv

Posted
Posted

There's a process to dealing with these kinds of crushing defeats. It's a process all of us go through. It's like grieving over the death of a loved one, only much more devastating. The traditional five stage of grief are as follows:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

This model doesn't work for dealing football grief. For one thing, there is NEVER acceptance. As a fan, you can't simply accept losing. That would make you a total pussy. Here are the adjusted five stages of grief as it pertains to horrible football defeats.

1. ANGER.

fug! God fuging dammit! I WILL BLOW UP THE STADIUM BANE STYLE I SWEAR TO fuging GOD. poo! fug! Ass! Cock!

(cry angry tears)

THESE ARE TEARS OF ANGER!

(throws remote against wall)

(sees remote is broken)

fug!

(sees wife walk in, perplexed as to why you threw the remote against the wall and broke it)

DON'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING TO ME RIGHT NOW, WOMAN. I'LL fuging REPLACE IT.

Okay, I'm sorry I called you, "woman." Wait, where are you going? Can't we just talk about this?

2. DENIAL

We gave it to them! WE fuging GAVE IT TO THEM! They did not deserve to win that game! They did not win it. We LOST it. They got lucky! Statistically, we were CLEARLY the better team. THE REFS WERE fuging BIASED. Roger Goodell and the league office wanted the other team to prevail to help goose ratings and/or prop up an ailing TV market. That was not a legitimate win! If we make that field goal, we win. If player X doesn't get hurt, we win. If we had a fatter defensive line to stop that mediocre running back, we win. If something that did happen that obviously should not have happened does not happen, we win. In any other alternate universe, WE ARE RIGHTFUL CHAMPIONS.

(NOTE: Fans of the 2007 Patriots are still on this stage.)

3. IDLE DEMANDS

THAT'S fuging IT! I've had enough of everyone involved with playing for this team, coaching it, owning it, coordinating air and ground transport for it. I want them ALL fired. All of them. Every last one. I don't care that replacing an entire roster and coaching staff is a painstaking and inexact process that could do more harm than good. SOMEONE NEEDS TO TAKE THE fuging FALL FOR THIS poo! Or else I am DONE with this team. D-O-N-E. Forever. Completely done. No longer a fan. I SWEAR I'LL FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THIS.

(calls talk radio station and repeats demands)

(goes on team message board, reiterates demands)

(Hugs Team jersey saying he's sorry and will never leave you)

4. QUESTIONING

Why? Why, God? Why must you allow something like this to happen? I've been good to you. I wash my hands on occasion. I only masturbated in front of the babysitter twice, which was downright restrained given her incredible rack. Why must you do this? DO YOU EVEN EXIST?

5. INDIFFERENCE

fug it, what else is on?

If you're a veteran of this process as I am, you can go from Step 1 directly to Step 5. And in only just a few short minutes. Pfft. fug them. They're toast. Bastards.

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rayzor Grand Master

rayzor

Posted
Posted

I have one stage:

1) "Well, that sucked."

I don't understand why everyone needs to take this poo so seriously.

same here only it comes with a shrug, a couple excedrin, and then my finger hitting the remote or my head hitting the pillow on the couch as i take a nap.

it's just not that big of a deal...esp. this early in the season and with the team building the way it is.

i'd like for it to reach it's potential right now, but it's not completely necessary. this is still a young team with a great new QB and a very young and promising coaching staff. we're in good shape going forward. a bump or two in the road like we just had a couple days ago isn't that big of a deal.

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