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Alas, it's my fault the Panthers suck ass the year

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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SCP Enthusiast

SCP

Posted
Posted

It's not Shula. It's not Cam. It's not Fishing Boat. It's not Byron Bell or Turnstile Chandler or Roman Harper or Nippleshorts. It's not JR or Bojangles. It's not cookinwithgas wearing coaches shorts with a sweater vest to every home game. It's not the nude photos of Panthro that Jase discovered on manbearscience.com. It's not Jackie Miles and it's not our overall shitty fan base and home field disadvantage.

Nope, it's none of that. It's my fault. I travel a lot for work. So I am in my office infrequently. This morning I am in the office and grew tired of aimlessly walking the hallways and crop dusting the building. So I bit the bullet and entered my office. As I was spinning around in my office chair braiding my chest hair and generally bored silly, something caught me eye. I noticed a huge error that caused a rift in the space-time continuum. The fugging cleaning agency moved the helmet in my office. The face mask is to always point north towards BofA stadium. This is a must for the Panthers to succeed. However, the face mask is now pointing south towards the Gaffney butt-peach and I believe it has been like this since February. I have the attentiveness of a black-eye pea so I can't be 100% certain about this but I am fairly confident. As you see below, the face mask is now pointing north. I know many want us to lose but I want to beat the Saints so fuging bad. We will see this Sunday if my office helmet theory is correct. .post-332-141779421225_thumb.jpg

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MichaelNewtonII Contributor

MichaelNewtonII

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I had a feeling the theories of Shula, Ron, the O Line, and secondary, were all wrong and there was something deeper to it. Thank you for opening my eyes to the real reason why our season has been horrible. I feel so much better knowing we have a completely competent staff and talented roster worthy of a super bowl run had It not been for your helmet facing the wrong way.

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SCP Enthusiast

SCP

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The shine on your helmet has permanently blinded Byron Bell, Silatolu, and Nate Chandler, that's why they keep whiffing on blocks. Explains the Minnesota game and the blocked punts too. Thanks a lot for ruining our season.

21-ron-rivera-carolina-panthers_pg_600.j

Ron should buy them all glasses with transition lenses.

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d-dave Veteran

d-dave

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Thank you for making me laugh SCP.

 

Oh, and if this proves you are correct...Then you would become the most import person in the Carolinas!  

 

Super Bowl?

 

Prosperity?

 

Nirvana?

 

All on you and your helmet! (The one on the shelf!)

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