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SCP: Five questions for the Panthers going into camp

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By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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The Carolina Panthers exited Bank of America Stadium faster than Phily B quips about the plight of the overweight toddler last week, headed to various beaches, lakes and sites unknown to grab some vacation time.

Commissioner Roger Gordell is doing his best to keep the white trash Saint fans on high alert as their high priced defensive end beats women on the Redneck Riviera with a belt. But unless you cheat to win games like Tom Brady or produce rap music that would make Senator Lindsey Graham laugh like Greg Hardy, this time period is as boring as watching a 5’2”, 230 lb. stay-at-home son suck down a strawberry summer salad from Wendy’s in between sets of wrist curls.

The Panthers report to the hottest place on the f*cking earth in less than 30 days for the start of training camp. That gives us four weeks to dissect popular storylines, local eateries, position battles and intriguing historical tidbits about Merica as we anticipate what to watch at Wofford.

But why wait?

Here's SCP’s take on five questions for the Huddle to answer heading into training camp as the Panthers try to make it three years in a row as NFC South champs.

Will Joe Person show up to camp out of shape?
Huddle MFCEO Jeremey Igo seems to think so, suggesting the local beat writers don’t believe Joe’s claims that he’s been hitting Planet Fitness 5 days a week. Camping out on an exercise bike after smoking weed and waiting for Free Pizza Monday’s will do little to get him ready for standing in line in the Sparkle City heat waiting to get a quote and write an article 7 days too late.  It’s rumored that Ol’ Joe has a firm belief that The Lunk Alarm is a bullsh*t tool used to intimidate the weak like a gigantic “Do Your Job” duck face picture of Sean Payton looming over an indoor practice field.  We’ve all seen him show up half way through an on-field post-practice interview, out of breath, full on mouth breathing, only to ask a question about a players favorite color.  The Observer believes in him, but should we? 

Can the Beacon buy some cleaning solution and maybe wash down the dining area for customers?
After 20+ training camps in Spartanburg, we still don't know.

After having numerous Beacon meals blow through me like a Mario Williams pass rush through Byron Bell, it's tough to put too much stock in the joints commitment to cleanliness.  If cleanliness is godliness then the Beacon is Bill Maher.  I sat down last year to eat a Beacon Burger “A Plenty” and my forearms got stuck to the table in what appeared to me ketchup from 1997.  Even with my arms handcuffed, I was able to eat half the burger and most of the fries and onion rings.  I made it about 10 miles up I-85 before stopping for what I knew was my last poop.  I survived.  But it’s time for the Beacon to invest in a bottle of 409.

Will we see idiots at Panthers training camp in out-of-place jerseys repping another NFL team?
Without a doubt and unequivocally, yes.  Unfortunately Charlotte and the surrounding area is jam packed with idiots, transplants, and band wagon riding losers.  Without question, you can go to a Panthers training camp practice any day of the week and see some jack-hole in a jersey that does not belong within 500 miles of Spartanburg.  Just like Panther games at BofA, you will see imbeciles walking around the training camp area in Packers gear or Steelers gear or Cowboy gear.  If you see these chowderheads, feel free to offer up a polite “Get the f*ck out of here you band wagon jack ass!”.  But do it with a smile.  

Who will emerge as the best Twitter follow at training camp?
Small market population restraints have limited the number of news outlets that cover our Panthers.  Things changed for the better after Al Gore invented the internet.  Not only could bro’s see free boobs and hit on “women” in a virtual environment whenever they wanted, it also gave us an outlet to get Panthers coverage.  Then some dude invented Twitter and the world changed forever.  The reporter camp battles ensued as mundane tweet after mundane tweet rolled out of camp.  We were bombarded with facts that meant nothing in the grand scheme of things and it was glorious!  Work?  LMFAO, work.  2014 rolled around and guys like Bill Voth, Jeremy Igo, and Jonathan Jones jumped into the twitter battle game while the aforementioned Joe Person was retweeting Panther nuggets from the Baltimore Ravens beat writer.  Igo, a late bloomer to the game, mixes photography in with his Twats.  Jones adds insight and perspective.  Voth, while battling Spartanburg heat and a morbid history of Cleveland fanism, drops excellent knowledge and ties it all together via his website with takes that make the reader think.  Person?  Well Ol’ Joe tweets about what Joe tweets about.  Let the battle ensue!

What NFCS fanbase will claim Training Camp Champions this year?
We all remember the posts last year.  A certain portly Saints fan, claiming the Saints have revolutionized the NFL with a defense consisting of 11 safeties.  An offense that had 7 WRs and 3 OL and a QB that was going to score 75 points a game.  This 5’1”, 245 lb. tank top wearing kale farmer just knew that training camp in West Virginia was the secret to multiple Super Bowls.  Cancel the season he’d say, the Saints are unstoppable.  What fanbase will that be in 2015?  Is the Falcon “fan” buying into the hype of his new coach? A coach that apparently is being praised for inventing neat variations of the traditional high-five at practices.  Are Bucs fans lining up at Publix to buy their new QB all the crab legs he wants?  Is Lovie the greatest coach in the universe?  Will the delusional Saint fans continue their supremacy as the most idiotic fan base in the history of sport?  Or have Saint fans jumped ship to the Cowboy and Seahawk fan clubs of the world?  We will find out in about a month.

Buy some deodorant and get your mind right.  Sh*t is about to get real.

 

**Obviously this article was derived from Person's Observer article. 

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