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It's either Saints week or somebody farted on this airplane

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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SCP

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2-0 folks.  Sounds nice right?  It’s like eating a Cajun Filet, Egg and Cheese biscuit out of Kate Upton’s cleavage.  Since leaving Charlotte at 4am on Monday morning after watching our QB defy the odd’s while our o-line answered the call of duty, I’ve been in 3 cities over the last 3 days and have been somewhat unplugged from Panther news.  Fortunately I did have a few minutes to read PhillyB’s latest master piece while taking a sh*t in the Courtyard Marriott in downtown Savannah.   In the end it was a great win.  Time to move on.

Among the many libations I sampled this week was a Ballast Point Indra KunindraI stout.  The alcohol content of this India-style stout gave me clarity and made me realize that I haven’t seen a Saints jersey in quite some time.  Saint fans have all but disappeared from the face of the earth.  Sure, a few thousand might exist around the piss and sh*t stained streets of New Orleans and Metairie, LA, but these clowns are M.I.A.  I stopped at a rest stop to grab a bag of Funyons yesterday and noticed a burnt orange and primer colored 1977 Datsun 510 with the outline of a Saints sticker on the back window that was obviously scraped off by the fair weather loser who was tapping his toe in the men’s room stall.  Do you remember Who Dat Nation?  Do you remember those idiots that popped up like a mushroom on a pile of cow sh*t and disappeared faster than a fart in the wind?  For a fleeting moment they showed up in our lives and spewed some of the most idiotic rhetoric this side of Donald Trump yapping about building the Great Wall of Texas so we can suck down our Golden Corral buffets in peace without all those damned illegals breathing on our yeast rolls.  Well I am here to invite every Saint fan to grab a bib, purse their lips, and toss my salad.  

You might be able to see the term Useful Idiot in my signature.  During the cold war era, useful idiot was a term for people perceived as propagandists for a cause whose goals they were not fully aware of, and who were used cynically by the leaders of the cause.  Is there not a better term to describe Saint fans?  For the love of Christ they support an ascites (google that poo) suffering fat slob defensive coordinator that was going to play a defense consisting of 11 safeties.  They defended this tub of tape worms and said he would revolutionize the way NFL teams played defense.  The only thing that fat sumbitch fails at more than defensive coordinating is successfully reaching around to wipe his own ass.  These morons from the bayou held a rally in support of Sean Payton that consisted of sixteen people loitering at Champions Square.   The rally included two dudes with home made “Free Payton Morans!” signs, eight bros who were there just to fight PhillyB, and one chick with meth-mouth wearing an “It’s Not Gonna Lick Itself” tank top.  The other 5 people in attendance at the rally were Alicejandra Lastra, his maid, his Pilates instructor, a cardboard cut out of the red headed chick from the Wendy’s commercial, and Alicejandra’s Taikwondo sensei from his prestigious martial arts academy.  

As for the team itself, the Saints owner and his skanky white-trash daughter were a gnats eyelash away from moving the team to San Antonio.  The Uhaul was rented and gassed up and that stupid fleur-de-lies was headed west on I-10.  Tom Benson was so happy to be leaving that sub-sea level dump that he was hanging out of the driver side window of that truck yanking on a make believe air horn and laughing like Roscoe P. Coltraine.  The teams future in the Crescent Craphole was over only to be saved by a natural disaster that Roger Gordell and Tom Benson used to get the money they were after.  Every front running inbred and PT Cruiser driving soccer mom rushed out and bought a Saints jersey after Peyton Manning crapped the bed in the Super Bowl and started screaming “Who Dat” like illiterate hermaphrodites.  But now that has all magically disappeared.  Like a portly self proclaimed real estate mogul wearing a loose t-shirt and flexing his cankles in a selfie, Who Dat nation was all a big, fat mirage.  In 1803 our country made the stupid mistake of buying the Louisiana territory from the French.  In today’s dollars the US spent around $236 million to acquire what amounts to a gigantic port-a-john for America.  Not a bad deal when you look at the per acre cost but in hindsight was it worth annexing a bunch of Cowboy turned Saint turned Seahawk turned Pats fans into our great country?  Now we are left with a bunch of toothless hicks speaking half-assed French with baby alligators clamped to their nipples.  If you connect the dots of the NFCS cities it creates an interesting constellation-like image of a guy sitting on a toilet with plumbing that ends up in New Orleans.  Irony or coincidence?  

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 I’m not sure what it all means but I do know that since curb stomping the Saints in the dome last year we have won 6 regular season games in a row.  I also saw on Twitter that Drew Bree’s sprained that mole deformity thing on his face or something and he might be coming into this game less than 100%.  It was also brought to my attention that a myriad of Saints players are either injured or arrested so their shitty defense is even shittier?  Cry me a river Saints losers.  The Panthers offense is going to get right against that trashy ass defense that ya’ll are brining up here.  We are going to run through you like a turd floating the current of the Mississippi River as it passes through downtown New Orleans on the way to the Gulf.  Your GM makes Marty Hurney look like a god damned savant and Sean Payton is an over rated pill popping blowhard that lucked into a QB that made him look like a genius.  The Saints have about $290 million in dead money on the books next year and they are over the cap even without the dead money.  In the end, Sean’s whole “Do your job” mantra is akin to his favorite Juicy Fruit gum.  It tastes great for about 5 seconds then it loses all its flavor and becomes a bland ball of tasteless nothingness.  I am looking forward to watching my Panthers put a fork in that shitty ass organization from New Orleans.  I am looking forward to seeing the Saints start 0-3 and watching the last one or two Saints “fans” in existence turn in their Brees jersey for a Russell Wilson or Aaron Rogers jersey.  Who Dat?  We are bitches.

Panthers 27
Saints 14  

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PntherPryd Rookie

PntherPryd

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There is no SCP pre game thread like an SCP pre Aints game thread.  Let the hate flow, brother!

Speaking of flow, that NFC South constellation is particularly interesting with the work being completed on the "Sphincter Dome" and with the heels resting on the sh*t-stained floor that is the tampa bay area.  

Brilliant.  Especially Brilliant.

 

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