Eagles Week: Rocky Balboa wears Capri pants

[SCP]

5-0.  Put that in some Recovery Water and let the effervescent nano bubbles tickle your nose and cure your illnesses as you bask in the deliciousness of being undefeated.  We went up to Seattle, put together four 80+ yard drives and walked out of that bandwagon filled stadium unblemished.  It was a blast seeing so many clueless heart broken clowns sitting dejected after Olsen’s TD grab.  Great day to be a Panther fan.  Now let’s put that W on the shelf and move on to the next opponent.  A gaggle of disgusting human feces from a forgotten crap hole sandwiched between DC and NYC.  Like a hemorrhoid protruding from the asshole of Vince Wilfork, Phily and Phily fans are hard on the eyes and a pain in the ass.  The Philadelphia Eagles and the biggest bunch of assholes this side of ISIS are coming to BofA stadium on Sunday night.  A more delusional fan base you will not meet.  

The Philadelphia Eagles have been around since 1933.  That’s 82 freaking years.  In that timespan their NFC East rivals have won somewhere in the neighborhood of 14 Super Bowls and the Eagles have won zero.  Our Panthers have been around for 20 years and I’m pissed about not having a ring yet.  Can you blame these Eagles losers for being such miserable wastes of oxygen?  These people are so pathetic that the city had to erect a statue of a fictitious boxer named Rocky just to boost the morale of these unemployed loud mouth bastards.  Philadelphian’s actually believe Rocky was a real life boxing champion.  They cannot separate reality from the movie screen.  I guess when you have to stumble home every night after pounding 17 Stroh’s Lights at the neighborhood bar to women that need a helping hand just to wipe their own fat asses, Eagles fans have to grasp on to whatever small victories they can get.  So while Rocky beating Clubber Lang was awesome, it carries as much weight as the Eagles trophy case.  

Somehow Philadelphians have found our region and migrated here in the thousands.  Like the Dust Bowl era Sooners, these people packed up their diabetic compression socks and loaded up their shitty, rusted out 1978 Buick LeSabre’s and hit I-95 south.  It would have been nice if they kept driving south past NC/SC and ended up in the Straits of Florida, but no, as our luck would have it they ended up here.  Joy to the fricking world.  The most miserable group of white trash this country can produce has set up shop in our backyard.  Every time you bump into an Eagles fan you have to listen to them bitch about Donavan McNabb and how their latest decubitus ulcer (Google that poo) got blood and puss all over their Ventura Power Mobility Scooter, which by the way, was paid for by the tax dollars of hard working Carolinians.  So anytime you see a fat ass Eagle fan on a scooter at Walmart, feel free to ask them for a ride to the housewares department because you and I are paying for that sh*t.  The only local businesses that have prospered from this mass invasion of Philadelphians are Gastroenterologists and stores that sell acid washed denim products.  

These clowns claim that Philadelphia is the cheese steak capital of the world?  Give me a break.  I’ve been there.  I’ve been to Pat’s and Geno’s and Tony Luke’s and Delassandro’s and they are all ass.  Cheap beef served on dry bread with fake cheese whiz and onions.  Only somebody from Phily would brag about that garbage.  You want the authentic Phiy cheese steak experience?  Go to the gas station, buy a Hot Pocket and a Miller Lite, call the cashier some kind of racist nickname, and punch the guy behind you in line in the face for standing to close to you.  Boom, authentic Phily experience.  If you want to make it really authentic, take a sh*t on your front porch and yell for your wife to come clean it up before you go inside and then cap it all off with a drunk shadow boxing session telling her how you wished you could have fought that Russian like your hero.

Eagles fans are walking around thumping their chests about 3-3.  They think this game will be a breeze because of last years beat down. Let me remind you that Nate Chandler and Byron Bell and Amini Silatolu were starting on what I think was o-line combo #6 that evening.  The game was doomed from the start.  When the ball is kicked off in BofA Sunday night the atmosphere should be electric.  I think Panther fans are going to make our joint tough for those clowns to play in.  We all saw the pathetic garbage on the field against the Giants.  Eagles fans are all braggadocios about a 27-7 win against a Giants team lead by a water head QB and a 95 year old curmudgeon.  Well I saw a team that turned the ball over a ton and was handed about 14 gifts by Payton Manning’s mongoloid brother.  I think our defensive interior will feast on the Eagles guards and centers and we will be in Bradford’s face all night long.  I think Josh Norman shuts down Jordan Matthews and picks off Sam once.  The Eagles will try to stretch the field and run Murray outside of the tackles but our team speed is better than last season.  Cam Newton will not stand still like a goofy looking Old Navy mannequin that was Eli.  Cam will beat the Eagles pressure and we will run the ball.  The doubters are still doubting bitches and our team hears them loud and clear.  By the end of the night Eagles fans are going to be crying for Adrianne like their fake ass boxing icon.  And the icing on the cake?  NC BBQ kicks the sh*t out of Phily Cheesesteak.  Don’t even bother making me a sammich, Phily fan.  That sh*t is garbage and gives me diarrhea.  

 

Panthers 31
Eagles 14

[CLTPanther]

Haha that's pretty spot on for the Philly experience.. that poo hole is the Detroit of the East Coast.. fug them and their diarrhea inducing sammichs and fat ass pastries

[beastson]

If you want to make it really authentic, take a sh*t on your front porch and yell for your wife to come clean it up before you go inside and then cap it all off with a drunk shadow boxing session telling her how you wished you could have fought that Russian like your hero

 

That was funny. It just reminds me of bob barker beating adam sandler ass on happy Gilmore then goes and shadow box

[London Loves Luke]

Jordan Matthews and Demarco Murray top the  list of players who were hyped in the offseason and have delivered nothing. To be fair to them though they're followed pretty closely by the entire Eagles roster. Fug Chip Kelly and his ducktape roster.

30-6

[Datawire]

[Jangler]

Rocky also has a small penis. 

See The Italian Stallion.

[KissMyConverse]

 

 You want the authentic Phiy cheese steak experience?  Go to the gas station, buy a Hot Pocket and a Miller Lite, call the cashier some kind of racist nickname, and punch the guy behind you in line in the face for standing to close to you.  Boom, authentic Phily experience.  

Hammer  meet Nail  

[SZ James (banned)]

It has been reported that Tanuki fell from the sky using his scrotum as a parachute.

That is not so ridiculous when we take into account the unusual size of Tanuki's scrotum.

Well, okay, it's still pretty ridiculous--and no less so just because in relation to his overall body mass, Tanuki's scrotum is proportionately larger than the scrota of elephants, whales, and the Jolly Green Giant. In those days, his testicular balloon bag may actually have been even more voluminous than it is today, though that's difficult to imagine since his balls very nearly drag the ground as it is, and any increase in volume would surely have been an impediment to mobility if, indeed, not a source of some pain. There is also the possibility that Tanuki had (and perhaps still has) the power to increase or decrease scrotum size at will.

Yet, having said all that, we must concede that the role of anatomical size per se in Tanuki's descent is not easy to determine, and a more pertinent question might be not how the badger managed to use his significant seed sack to parachute to earth but, rather: Where did he parachute from? And why?

[Khaki Lackey]

SCP, thiis is one of the best you've done. And that's saying something.

[therealmjl]

Mother fuging right.

 

IM READY CAUSE A RUCKUS IN BOA!!!!

[cultclassiccat]

It's not real beef.  It's grizzle and used tires.  Cheezwiz is the sewer system byproduct of waste treatment chemicals and Soul Glo, with a little yellow 5.  

[PhillyB]

old navy mannequin... perfect

[Red Zone]

I thought this was one of your best. (They are all awesome)

I really appreciate the time and effort you put into these factual documents and I look forward to reading them each week.

[L-TownCat]

No mention of a guy named Vinnie, his cousin Vinnie and Uncle Geno?

No pack of smokes rolled into a short sleeved shirt like a greaser from the Outsiders?

No making fun of that ridiculous Italian accent they think they were born with?

No mention of the most famous thing to come out of that city besides Rocky is a movie about Aids?

Even the Philadelphia Experiment was a total failure.

Or how their nickname is about the most ironic thing since calling a really big guy "Tiny"

They throw snowballs at Santa for crying out loud!  SANTA!!

I want them wrung, plucked, split and grilled with a side of FUKK YOU PHILLY

(I hate the Eagles a little extra)