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Dave Gettleman's shorts are retiring

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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SCP Enthusiast

SCP

Posted
Posted

Statement:

“Since snuggling up tight to the schweaty bewbie crease of the Panthers general manager, my philosophy has been to always do what’s in the best interest of Dave Gettleman, which means absorbing swamp ass and supporting roster cards and Skoal cans so the big guy can build a team to sustain success.  I don’t subscribe to the 'baggy' theory, that coaching shorts have to hang low and cover the knee caps.  I don’t subscribe to the ‘his balls need to breath’ theory, because in my mind Dave’s balls are the brassiest of all GMs and they can sustain success hanging low in Spartanburg heat or retracted up high and tight in the frozen tundra of Green Bay. Sustained success can be accomplished by being taut and intentionally hiked up to show a little thigh when patrolling the fields in his golf cart.

"When Dave decided to cut the tag off my seam, we were fine with the humid and hot conditions we were about to face on a daily basis.  We are a team, he and I.  As we got deeper into the Spartanburg schedule, we realized there was a significant difference in our thoughts and the meteorologists. The intervening weeks gave us additional time to evaluate where we are going as man and his outer garment.  With the realization that cooler temps were not going to get done, our internal conversations kept leading us to the fact that showing more moose knuckle was becoming less attractive. So we made our decision yesterday and we are moving on.  I am heading on to leaner pastures, hoping to land on the buttocks of less portly but equally driven individual.

"I will say that my relationship with Dave was professional and respectful in tone, even as he was squeezing out early morning flatulence.  I looked forward to hearing the daily #ShortsReport from Jeremy Igo, who so eloquently described the location of my snug fit. I certainly respect Dave and all that he has done for my brand. It is with sagging and stretched elastic, I wish Dave well."

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