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The Seahawks have owned our fat asses for the past half decade, but those bastards haven't seen the new-look panthers

PhillyB

By PhillyB,
in Carolina Panthers

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PhillyB Grand Master

PhillyB

Posted
Posted

Welp the Cowboys just used a trick play by the refs to advance to the divisional round of the playoffs. Obligatory:

 

10633510_851828764863813_149519140439117 

 

 

 

 

And now our fate is sealed: we're traveling to Seattle, where coffee and grunge rock mix like torrential rain and suicides. Everyone from Roxboro to Rutherfordton has collectively rolled up their fruit of the looms and given themselves the worry wedgies rocking back and forth worrying about the fact that the Seahawks have owned us, wiping away tears with one hand and using the other to plow into that third bag of Bugles and contemplate the awful fate that led us down this road of certain defeat.

 

The good news is you're just a giant pussy!

 

a59a19c2ece104d63f8d5274c5c49196dfcb6700

 

 

 

This would be a great time to get your poo together because dammit it's January 2015 and your daddy's panthers, brother's panthers, and awkward stepsister's panthers ain't your goddamn Carolina Panthers, or mine or anyone else's. Here's a few things you ought to know:

 

1) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, Jonathan Stewart and Mike Tolbert were having exercise bike races

 

2) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, Andrew Norwell was a nobody and Trai Turner was battling injuries

 

3) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, Mike Remmers didn't exist and your starting RT was Nate Chandler

 

4) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, Jason Avant was underperforming and Ed Dickson had one catch

 

5) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, none of us had said "wakka wakka" during a live game

 

6) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, Norman and Benwikere were on the bench and White/Cason started

 

7) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, that dickheaded safety from Atlanta was blowing coverages for us

 

8) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, Charles Johnson looked completely ineffective and we had zero DE depth

 

9) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, we were coming off a demoralizing blowout loss to the Packers

 

10) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, the Saints and the Falcons were the class of the NFC South

 

 

That's right, since October 26 everything has changed. We've got TEN new starters on this team. We've made an entire offseason worth of roster changes in two months. 50% of our starting players are new. Since the end of November we've got the fifth best defense in the NFL. Our offense has gone from being putrid and unwatchable to dropping semi-respectable point totals on defenses. Young players have brought a fire and urgency that simply didn't exist on October 26. The milquetoasts and the malingerers have vanished and been replaced by unquenchable thirst. Since October 26 we've left three division opponents dead in our wake and cut Ryan Lindley's dick off and kicked it to the four Cardinals fans that showed up for a playoff game - the first playoff game that we've won since My Chemical Romance was a popular band and George W. Bush was president.

 

So put away the Depends and laugh at all the lifelong Seahawks fans you know who bought all their team gear in December 2013, because nobody's faced the new-look Carolina Panthers and come out alive. Seahawks are next.

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Captain Obvious Proficient

Captain Obvious

Posted
Posted

Welp the Cowboys just used a trick play by the refs to advance to the divisional round of the playoffs. Obligatory:

 

10633510_851828764863813_149519140439117 

 

 

 

 

And now our fate is sealed: we're traveling to Seattle, where coffee and grunge rock mix like torrential rain and suicides. Everyone from Roxboro to Rutherfordton has collectively rolled up their fruit of the looms and given themselves the worry wedgies rocking back and forth worrying about the fact that the Seahawks have owned us, wiping away tears with one hand and using the other to plow into that third bag of Bugles and contemplate the awful fate that led us down this road of certain defeat.

 

The good news is you're just a giant pussy!

 

a59a19c2ece104d63f8d5274c5c49196dfcb6700

 

 

 

This would be a great time to get your poo together because dammit it's January 2015 and your daddy's panthers, brother's panthers, and awkward stepsister's panthers ain't your goddamn Carolina Panthers, or mine or anyone else's. Here's a few things you ought to know:

 

1) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, Jonathan Stewart and Mike Tolbert were having exercise bike races

 

2) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, Andrew Norwell was a nobody and Trai Turner was battling injuries

 

3) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, Mike Remmers didn't exist and your starting RT was Nate Chandler

 

4) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, Jason Avant was underperforming and Ed Dickson had one catch

 

5) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, none of us had said "wakka wakka" during a live game

 

6) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, Norman and Benwikere were on the bench and White/Cason started

 

7) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, that dickheaded safety from Atlanta was blowing coverages for us

 

8) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, Charles Johnson looked completely ineffective and we had zero DE depth

 

9) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, we were coming off a demoralizing blowout loss to the Packers

 

10) The last time we played the Seattle Seahawks, the Saints and the Falcons were the class of the NFC South

 

 

That's right, since October 26 everything has changed. We've got TEN new starters on this team. We've made an entire offseason worth of roster changes in two months. 50% of our starting players are new. Since the end of November we've got the fifth best defense in the NFL. Our offense has gone from being putrid and unwatchable to dropping semi-respectable point totals on defenses. Young players have brought a fire and urgency that simply didn't exist on October 26. The milquetoasts and the malingerers have vanished and been replaced by unquenchable thirst. Since October 26 we've left three division opponents dead in our wake and cut Ryan Lindley's dick off and kicked it to the four Cardinals fans that showed up for a playoff game - the first playoff game that we've won since My Chemical Romance was a popular band and George W. Bush was president.

 

So put away the Depends and laugh at all the lifelong Seahawks fans you know who bought all their team gear in December 2013, because nobody's faced the new-look Carolina Panthers and come out alive. Seahawks are next..

 

 

 

The Helmet, You Forgot about SCP's Helmet. 

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