Packers week: 'Don’t cha know' and other stupid euphemisms

[SCP]

Well my back hair has finally dried out after 9 hours in the rain on Monday night.  It was a close game that should never have been close but we weathered the storm (pun intended), got a win and showed some resiliency.  Sumbitch we are due for a complete game performance but alas, 7-0 is 7-0.  Now that 24 hours has come and gone and it’s a short week, we get to move on to the next group of bandwagon fans that will fill 1/3 of our joint and invade Bank of America Stadium.  Somehow, Packer fans are abundant around these parts.  Sure, the Wisconsinites are friendly up in the frozen shithole, but down here they are your average lactose intolerant dipshit Cowboy fan from Gastonia, only they are wearing green and yellow.  I will never forget the upper deck of BofA shaking down to the foundation when Green Bay scored the go ahead TD in 2011, Cam’s rookie year.  So bring your damned A-game Panther fans, because our team is going to need us.

For the local Packer “fans” that might struggle to put a finger on exactly where Lambeau Field sits because they were born and raised in the Carolinas, here are a few items to know about the state in which “your team” calls home.  Wisconsin is one of those places that you tend to forget about unless you find yourself making love to a very large woman in a Cracker Barrel bathroom that you met while shopping for discounted patio furniture at Big Lots.  Packer fans around here claim to have been fans “since meh diddy watched’em when I was a youngin!”  but Nielsen Research clearly shows that over 94% of you clowns became fans because of Brett Favre and his Levi jean short commercials.  Brett Favre shilling cheap denim calls to the Packer “fan” demographic like the Sirens song to a lonely sailor.  That leaves 6% that probably jumped on the bandwagon because of a stupid foam cheese hat.   If any of you bandwagon jackholes are able to scrape a few dollars together and actually find Green Bay for a game, make sure to visit the Troll Capital of the World, Mount Horeb, and hit up the Mustard Museum.  The place is full of unisex restrooms and 700lb women that never flush the toilet and talk endlessly about how much subcutaneous fat is protruding from their decubitus ulcers.  It’s a gold mine for you weak kneed bandwagon types that like to turn your back on the region and root for a team that is 970 miles from Charlotte.  An added bonus: Green Bay is the toilet paper capital of the world, not because the first splinter-free toilet paper was invented there, but because Green Bay uses more toilet paper per capita than any city in the Unites States and Canadia combined.  It all makes sense in a state where the Food Pyramid consists of sausage stuffed Cheese Curds and parents feed newborn babies SIMCOR pills with breast milk.

Not every Packer fan we see at the stadium on Sunday will be some 58 year old loser from Maiden, NC with nothing better to do than quit his job making dirty rice at Bojangles so he could come to the game just to talk poo to us Panther fans about “his Payckers!”.  There are many folks that packed up and migrated down to our area because of the shitty Wisconsin winters.  You see them from time to time with the Scott Walker 2016 bumper sticker covering up the rust hole in their road salt stained ’82 Cadillac Cimarron.  When they speak they sound like the love child of Forest Gump and Margie Gunderson from Fargo.  They will undoubtedly claim to be a Packers owner because of the fictitious stock they purchased back home where everything is better than here in the south.  Packers stock is worth about as much as a nude photo of Wilford Brimley passed out in his own vomit.   Now admittedly I am probably the biggest fan of cheese and pork products in the greater Charlotte area and I respect the dairy industry and can drop a deuce that would rival even the portliest Wisconsin transplant, but Packer fans must be the easiest sell since the Girl Scouts showed up at Subway Jared’s door with a wagon full of Thin Mints.  Per Wikipedia, Packers stock “does not share the same rights traditionally associated with common or preferred stock. It does not include an equity interest, does not pay dividends, can not be traded, has no securities-law protection, and brings no season ticket purchase privileges. All shareholders receive are voting rights, an invitation to the corporation's annual meeting, and an opportunity to purchase exclusive shareholder-only merchandise.”  Basically for $250 per share, Packer stock earns these pasty milquetoast cheese eaters the right to go to the team store to buy XXXL sweatpants before the general Wisconsin public can.  And let me tell you, those sweats go fast.  At least when the Panthers fleeced me for my PSL licensing fee I earned the right to buy season tickets every year and if I don’t pay I lose my money and the PSL like a real man.  That’s commitment damnit!  So if on Sunday you meet a Packer fan that brags about being a “stock holder”, pull your nuts out and tell them for $250 you’ll give them a mushroom stamp, a high five and a certificate of authenticity.  

As for the game this Sunday.  It’s going to be a tough damn contest.  You know the boys down at Mint and Moorehead are remembering last year when we got curb stomped up in Green Bay (Again, just a reminder for the NC/SC Packer faithful, Green bay is in Wisconsin. Use this link to find it https://www.google.com/earth/).  The Packers are coming off a curb stomping of their own in Denver.  We have some unfortunate injuries on the o-line but hopefully we can get Kalil back.  It would be great to see Shaq return to the defense because we are going to have to get pressure on Rogers and cover our asses off.  Cam and the offense have to put together some clock eating drives that will keep our defense fresh and Rogers and Co. off the field.  The Packers were embarrassed on national TV so they will be looking to get right.  This is a different Panthers team though.  The days of being intimidated by an opponent are long gone.  We have won some tough fought games and we have the talent to compete and win each Sunday.  This weekend will require a perfect game from all 3 phases.  We need to keep field position in our favor and keep Rogers off balance.  I think Cam plays his best game of the season and Stew continues to pound the rock.  If Kalil and Norwell can somehow make it back into the line-up we should be able to do what we need to do on the ground.  Our defense redeems last years embarrassment and the game is ours in the 4th quarter.  Hey Packer fans, I like smoked Gouda on my sammich. 

Panthers 28
Packers 24

 

[carpanfan96]

Fantastic as always.

[GhostP.]

You had me after cracker barrel bathroom

[ecu88]

Excellent posting for toilet reading at work, much appreciated SPC!  Now to flush and continue working at my shitty job.

[PhillyB]

earth? google that poo

[nctarheel0619]

16 minutes ago, SCP said:

 So if on Sunday you meet a Packer fan that brags about being a “stock holder”, pull your nuts out and tell them for $250 you’ll give them a mushroom stamp, a high five and a certificate of authenticity.  

Welp, I can't get anymore work done for the day.  I'm useless after reading this.  :dead:

[chknwing]

"So if on Sunday you meet a Packer fan that brags about being a “stock holder”, pull your nuts out and tell them for $250 you’ll give them a mushroom stamp, a high five and a certificate of authenticity.  "

[Jon Snow]

You Sir are a genius!  This is why I endure all the sh*t posts around here.  Bring it bitches!

[!stUp]

How does he do it! Another gem SCP. BTW ask any "packer fan" from Gastonia or Shelby who  Don Majkowski is or   John Brockington and watch their mouths drop open. Like someone on the huddle recently stated, it's hard to find a "life-long" packer fan who was a fan before 1994

[jayflip]

[CarolinaXblue]

Shoutout to Maiden, NC! Haha, I'm from Hickory, so I know the Maiden poo heads. Great as always.

[CLTPanther]

If I get in trouble for mushroom stamping Packer fans in section 130 Sunday, my defense will be SCP told me to do it

[chknwing]

2 minutes ago, CLTPanther said:

If I get in trouble for mushroom stamping Packer fans in section 130 Sunday, my defense will be SCP told me to do it

I am sure no one will notice your mushroom stamp. :)

[O-Ther]

Printing this out and sending it to all my family Up Nort with the Christmas cards. Looking forward to those conversations on my holiday visit up there. Much obliged.

You betcha this is more golden than the beer battered deep fried plastic they call cheese curds served at the weekly fish fry and sold at the yearly State Fair held on the one warm weekend of the year they lovingly call summer way up there in Canadia. Ya, for sure. Uff da.