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New Jersey Giants week: Ribbed tank tops and glamour rock

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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SCP

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13-0 is a magical thing.  The only thing missing from Sunday’s ass whipping was a picture of Matt Ryan shitting his pants on the field.  What a bunch of soft quitters.  Matt Ryan personifies what the Falcons and Falcon fans have become.  A bunch of braided belt wearing, PT Cruiser driving Nancy’s in sweater vests that brag about a participation trophy they got when they were 9.  Even the handful of dumb ass Falcons fans in attendance on Sunday had to resort to rooting for Panther player injuries because their team was so damn pathetic.  I was at the game so I finally watched the broadcast last night and I kept hearing John Lynch say the Falcons were still “learning a new offense”.  Are you fugging kidding me?  It’s week 14.  The Falcons offense was ranked in the top 10, right?  All summer we had to hear about how Shanahan and Meg Ryan were “in the lab” mastering and fine tuning this dynamic offense.  The Falcons won the draft and free agency, remember that narrative?  Well LMFAO!!!!!  What I saw on Sunday was a straight up beat down.  The Falcons are softer than that Croc-wearing milquetoast vegan Spaniard-American that used to post here and brag about his taekwondo skills on his iPad Mini while waiting in the drive-thru line for his large fries and two Wendy’s side salads with light ranch.  To hell with the Falcons.  I will be in Atlanta on December 27th to see those clowns once again.  It’s time for the Panthers to cross that next bridge and head north to the land of Chris Christie and 500lb women that sweat in the middle of winter.  

Our next contest will come against the New Jersey Football Giants.  A storied franchise with 5 Super Bowl rings and a legion of LA Gear leather jacket wearing fans that are as obnoxious as they are loud.  According to recent on-line marketing research, Giant fans are the only people in America that still actively search for Reebok High Top Freestyle's (google that poo) when shopping on-line  The Giants have a large fan base.  No matter where you live or visit in the United States, you will see plenty of unemployed looking people in Giants gear walking around with a limp most likely caused by a sebaceous cyst festering between their ass cheeks.  They speak in a strange dialect and say things like “worter” (water) and “Nevahder” (Nevada) and “fuggitaboutit” (nevermind).  When they played the Dolphins on Monday night there must have been 40,000 New Jersey Giant fans in that everglades shithole of a stadium.  Some are as pasty white as the driven snow and others have that leathery tan skin look highlighted by a thick gold plated necklace with a huge medallion dangling in their chest hair.  They shave every other week and do not have a problem farting in line at the K&W cafeteria and to a man they think New Jersey natives are God’s gift to the world.  The last time New Jersey played at BofA stadium I had to listen to a mongoloid looking dickbag scream “G-men!” the entire time he was tailgating out of the trunk of his ’84 Datsun 140J Wagon.  I don’t know if it was the meth mouth and the lazy eye or the dirt stained 1985 Giants windbreaker but he looked like the illegitimate son of Rosanne Barr and Pachanga from Carlito’s Way.  

pachanga.thumb.jpg.8e959330c22e77af56190

The guy was playing Bon Jovi’s greatest hits on a Panasonic RX-4930 Boom Box and eating Totino’s pizza rolls like they were Skittles.  He was loud and proud walking into the stadium then we proceeded to sack Eli Maninng about 147 times.  Bye bye Datsun.  All that was left when I returned to the lot was an oil stain and a Vanilla Ice cassette tape that fell out of his cassette tape storage case.

If you are from the Carolina's, you have seen this in person at local diners numerous times:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWC0sKCS5oA

For years we were able to contain small populations of New Jersey Giant fans in places like Cary, NC and North Charleston, SC.  But over the last decade Dell Webb has been the Pied Piper tooting his flute all around the Carolina's.  Building mixed-use retirement communities and advertising in places like The Villages down in central Florida.  Like a Jersey housewife to a light at the make-up sales counter in Dillard's, Giants fans have flocked to the Carolina's.  The older fuggers are moving up here from Florida to get away from the heat and the sexually transmitted diseases that run rampant through their retirement communities.  Their sons and daughters and nieces and nephews are moving south from New Jersey in the name of warmer winters and cheaper tobacco products.  A tidal wave of Ben-Gay and nylon track suits has collided with a tidal wave of Brut cologne and cheap gold plated metal products and ground zero is the greater Charlotte region.  You can’t walk into a Walmart without hearing some guy named Benny from the Bronx bitching to the cashier about how the store in Newark carries more varieties of Axe Body Spray.  The Carolina roads are crammed with rusted out 1984 Pontiac Fiero’s with New Jersey plates because Giants fan refuses to register his car in this “fugging hick state”.  So the next time you visit a local diner for breakfast and you see the guy in a Giants tshirt with a confused look trying to figure out what grits are and complaining about how backwoods we are down here, go shake his hand and buy him a sweat tea.  After all it’s tough to assimilate into society when you are so much better than the locals.  But thanks in small part to his tax dollars we were able to get some pretty nice renovations at BofA stadium.  For that I am grateful.

As for the game this Sunday I am expecting a pretty tough competition.  Our depth in the defensive backfield will be tested.  Pundits and fans point to the success the Giants had in the recent Dolphins game but that Dolphins team is being coached by a guy who started out the season as the sideline “Get Back” coach.  That Dolphins team is horrible.  Our front seven is going to show up this week.  Eli is getting the ball out quicker but I think we pressure him big time up the middle.  One WR is not going to beat this Panthers team.  OBJ will get his yards.  The match-up with J-No should be epic and fun to watch as both players seem to respect one another.  But my question is this.  How in the fug will the Giants stop our offense?  I think Cam and Co. will put together a game plan that will methodically eat up the clock and keep the ball out of Eli’s hands.  I think we score at least 38 points again.  I think Cam has a rushing TD and 2 passing TDs while Tolbert and CAP each punch one in. This is our damned year.  This team has been tested on numerous occasions and they have a will to win that is amazing to watch.  These Giants fans can keep looking back and pointing out how they have ended undefeated seasons on a few occasions.  Keep on looking back to the past and the present will kick you in the teeth.  Hey Giants fan, since you guys are focusing on wins from years gone by, I also take a little pride in the fact that my Panthers made the Giants’ final game at the Meadowlands memorable with a  41-9 domination.  The Panthers are coming to town.  Don’t you fuggitaboutit.

Panthers 41
Giants 27

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Jimmy Newbie

Jimmy

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Love it as usual. But let me tell you something, there ain't a damn thing wrong with a mint cherry red 1986 Pontiac Fiero with a spoiler. 

It was my first car.  Yay yay, I was only able to drive it 500 miles in the 3 years I had it because the exhaust manifold burned through every cable that laid in that rear engine. But I loved it, so back off. 

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