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If White Trash Had Wings: Falcons week

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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SCP

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I have sat idly by and watched as Panther fans have deteriorated from bravado to sniveling ass and I can’t take it anymore.  Big f*cking deal we are 1-2.  We are a missed field goal from 2-1 and a completely different narrative.  Put the last three weeks behind you and lets move on to that team down 85 south.  

The Atlanta Falcons.  A team lead by a bitch titty QB that actually sh*t his pants on a professional football field.  It’s a team with a fan base that is a strange combo of confederate flag waving inbred cousin f*ckers and baggy short wearing dudes trying to look like Missy Elliott.  The Falcon fan base is pathetically small for a team that is celebrating its 50th season.  Falcon fans are to football what microphallus (google that poo) is to the porn industry.  You can scream that made-up battle cry “Rise Up!” until you’re blue in the face and you can part and cornrow the pubes all you want to make it look bigger but in the end it just comes across as a crappy lesbian scene between a Walmart people greeter with a micropenis and Ms. Garrett from The Facts of Life.  What better way to describe a Matt Ryan lead team than a lousy POV lesbian scene filmed on a burner phone in a Waffle House restroom..  

Quite literally, 50% of the Falcon fan base resemble some kind of scientific gene splice between a hyena and that 49 year old dude you see sitting next to a middle school smoking a filter-less Camel in his 1982 rusted out Econoline van with the Hefty bag duct taped over a busted out rear window.  That is not hyperbole or exaggeration.  Here is visual proof of Rise Up Nation or whatever the hell they call themselves:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lM_ucsIqk8

It’s has to be god damned embarrassing to that ‘50 years and only one SB appearance’ team when Falcon fans decide to show up.  If you’re the unfortunate soul scanning tickets outside the Georgia Dome I’d petition the GWCC for hazard pay.  Thank god for those employees that most of the folks walking through the gates are fans of another team and know about personal hygiene.  At least Atlanta had the foresight to build its new stadium in the shape of a retracting sphincter muscle.  I’m sure most of the 80lb meth heads in mustard stained Roddy White jerseys will appreciate the view when the roof ‘relaxes and opens’.

As for the game this Sunday, Falcons fans are puffing their chests a bit, eh?  I keep hearing how ‘We two n’ one and ya’ll one n’ two.’  Well congrats on learning to read.  That head coach of yours has been bouncing around the sidelines like some goofy ass male cheerleader.  Meg Ryan has been seen fist pumping and getting all fired up only as Meg Ryan can.  His prepubescent voice cracking with every “F*ck ya we’re awesome get off my field’.  Matt Ryan interviews always make me think of this song from the Brady Bunch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKEQm10-n84.  Lots of bravado in Falcon land.  No matter the loss at home to the Bucs which makes me laugh.  They have beaten some weak ass NFL teams with pretty lousy defenses while the Panthers have been sharpening their teeth against some of the best defenses of 2016.  I think we control the ball all day on these paper 2-1 champs.  The only thing softer than the Falcon defense is Dan Quinn’s playlist on his iPhone.  Falcons will score some points but in the end we show them how men play football.  Eat my dirty asshole, Dirty Birds.

Panthers 37
Falcons 28


 

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