Bucs week: MRSA, metal science, crab legs, and Gold Bond Medicated Powder

[SCP]

Good lord it’s been hard to keep up with Panthers news again this week.  This west coast sales trip is killing me. In the end we are 3-0.   We beat the Saints but it was hardly even fun. Saints fans were more scared to talk than a presidential candidate trying to hold in a fart during a nationally televised primary debate.  Thanks for nothing you bunch of bandwagon hopping soccer moms.  Pathetic excuses for NFL fans.  You morons road that stupid Who Dat bullshit for a few years and it’s great to see your fan base erode away faster than Alicejandra’s Match.com page views after posting selfies of his calves in Crocs and corduroy cargo shorts.   Now that we’ve disposed of that waste of a franchise from America’s sphincter, its time to move on to the Bucs.

For years something has bugged me about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  I am by no means a metallurgist but the Bucs seem to be awfully proud of pewter.  Wikipedia says that pewter “is used in decorative objects, mainly collectible statuettes and figurines, game figures, aircraft and other models, (replica) coins, pendants, plated jewelry and so on. Certain athletic contests, such as the United States Figure Skating Championships, award pewter medals to the fourth-place finishers.”  I find it interesting that our upcoming foe and fellow NFCS member picked such a pansy ass metal to symbolize the franchise which boasts a puffy shirt wearing, sword yielding salad tosser as a mascot.  Pewter has a melting point of a measly 170 degrees Fahrenheit for the love of Christ.  To put that into perspective, Jameis has to get his water up to 212 degrees to steam his damned crab legs.  I suppose the metal used for fourth place figure skaters is actually perfect for the Bucs and alas Pewter Report is the perfect name for their soft ass fan forum.  If you’re going to be braggadocios about a metal, pick a manlier ore you bunch of eye patch wearing nancies.  Even science agrees you guys are a bunch of soft bitches.

Did you know that Hillsborough County and the surrounding counties have the most Golden Corrals per capita in the world?  A recent census report also showed Hillsborough County has the most 1970 era Frolic Travel Campers listed as a primary residence for local citizens.  The combination of these two statistics was the basis for my doctoral thesis on Carl Nick’s career ending MRSA incident.  The rampant spread of MRSA in the Bucs locker room is easy to understand when you look at the area surrounding One Buc Place.  You’ve got a rapidly growing population of senior citizens with an increasingly liberal attitude towards sex living in hot, humid single wide trailers in a retirement community sandwiched between a plumbing supply store and a used tire dealer on Dale Mabry Highway.   The old fuggers are buying every ounce of KY Jelly they can find so they can artificially turn each other on and live the dream.  After a night of sexual escapades and cramping muscles in the camper, the seniors go out for a morning buffet run to replenish their energy and shake off the post-sex effects of menopause.  While using the tongs at the buffet, they transmit their senior STDs to the local white trash transplant from south Jersey who’s waiting in line behind them for French toast.  After breakfast, the Jersey transplant jumps in his El Comino, runs home to put on his pirate gear and heads off to the swashbuckling themed tailgate to party with the 6 other Bucs fans at the game.  You know Bucs fans know how to party so after sharing a few drags off a peach flavored Vape wand and swapping backwash in a round of Summer Shandy shots, they enter the stadium ready to yell “Arrrgh” and “Shiver me timbers” or whatever the fug they yell at Bucs games.  All 35 Bucs fans in attendance are busy Tweeting #ItsABucsLife (Which, by the way, is the most ridiculous team rallying slogan in the history of sports.  #KeepPounding has meaning.  #RiseUp is some made up grasping at straws for a slogan garbage.  #WhoDat is just pathetic sh*t ripped off from Cincinnati. #ItsABucsLife is flat out embarrassing and any man that tweets or says that should be hit in the face with a pewter statue of Jon Gruden) as they enter the stadium and use the restrooms before kickoff.  Then boom, just like that senior STDs that mutated on a white trash host have made their way into the bowels of Ray Jay stadium where they come into contact with an open wound on Carl Nicks’ ass and MRSA is born.  There are a few holes in my research but I think it’s fairly accurate.

Apparently Lovie has rid the Bucs of the MRSA outbreak and Tampa is back but you’d never know it.  I remember the days when Bucs fans would show up to the Huddle with their stupid pirate themed handles.  Swashbuckler and Apple Bottom Roof Cleaning Guy would pop up with their weak “Josh Freeman is a future hall of famer” smack talk.  You could see in their posts they wanted so badly to speak like a pirate. Every post read like the Sponge Bob Square Pants theme song.  It was pretty damned embarrassing.  Now we meet again and just like Who Dat “nation” the Ass Pirate nation is as silent as a Publix barcode scanner when Jameis Winston is checking out.  I know we are the first two-time defending NFCS champions and that can be pretty intimidating for a group of fans that think an eye patch and a handkerchief tied loosely around their neck is intimidating. But back in the day Bucs fans would pull up those assless chaps, lace up those little pirate boots, and wave their plastic swords in defense of that mediocre team like men.  Now they are a pathetic, sad lot that would rather cry into their feathered tricorne than engage in football talk.  The Panthers have sustained many injuries this year and Nippleshorts and the depth he has built is being put to the test.  I am hoping that Dave has some magic dust hiding in those coaches shorts but as Lola pointed out on Twitter today, it is most likely just Gold Bond powder.  This game will fall on Cam Newton and our running game.  We need to take control of the ball and force Winston to make bad decisions.  I think the Panthers intercept Jameis twice on Sunday and I think Cam continues to lead this team through sheer will and determination.  In the end it will be a hard fought game but I think we control the clock and win.  Panthers make it to 4-0 heading into the bye week.  Suck it Bucs.

Panthers 24
Bucs 14

[R0CKnR0LLA]

I'm confident that our coaching staph will show them no mrsa.

Having the Bucs in our division is like we get to play 6 preseason games every year. Looking forward to the upcoming beatdown.

[DaveThePanther2008]

Just make sure we break out the Hazmat Suits and thoroughly disinfect our locker room before we enter the locker room.

Great stuff SCP

Reading your posts are the highlight of my week leading up to the game.  (yes, in the desert there isn't much excitement)

[luke nukem]

LET'S GO!!! 4-0 and 2-0 in the division and a week to get healthy, couldn't be any more excited for the season.

[Daddy_Uncle]

Surrender the booty maties

[Swan]

1st time on front page of SCP thread. good poo

 

[Arroz con Panther]

I came in here expecting to read something regarding one of three things: 1) pooping, 2) eating almonds or 3) sleeping.  This was much, much better.

[lightsout]

Dear god these things never fail.

I read them in this voice in my head that I can't really pin. I think there's a comedian I've heard that has that ranting style delivery that fits with SCP's posts, but good lord it's amazing.

[KSpan]

Dear god these things never fail.

I read them in this voice in my head that I can't really pin. I think there's a comedian I've heard that has that ranting style delivery that fits with SCP's posts, but good lord it's amazing.

The voice you're hearing.

[ThPantherFan]

Why is it I find myself reading the entire thesis?  You get started and can't stop.  I love the satire, humor, info.  Great post.  You rented any sub-compacts lately?

[ItsNotGonnaBeAlright]

I always read these in the voice of an old farmer sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch at sunset telling his grandchildren the wisdom he's accumulated through the years while soft, old timey guitar plays in the background.

 

[Chaos]

My guess is that was penned following a bender on Ballast Points as you rape the west coast with sales of whatever it is you sell. 

Well done SCP, as always.  I hope you get back to Charlotte before Joaquin shows up and pisses floods for three days.

[motocross_cat]

I love golden corrals breakfast, they get grits right.

fug tampa bay.

[TNPanther]

 as silent as a Publix barcode scanner when Jameis Winston is checking out.

 

fugging lost it