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Seahawks week: The 2012th Man and how Recovery Water made Ciara a virgin again

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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SCP

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What a long ass boring week.  Good bye to the bye week.  Good riddance to watching a bunch of teams that are meaningless to me.  I’m ready to get back to Panthers football.  This week the Panthers head to southwest Canadia to face a team with the largest number of bandwagon fans in the NFC, perhaps even the universe.  In case you haven't heard, we don't have much of a chance this week.  Cry me a river.  

I have been making sales calls and searching for clean places to poop all over the US and Canada for a majority of my 40 years on this great planet of ours.  Prior to 2012 I met maybe two Seahawks fans.  Now you can’t go out in public without seeing some soccer mom in a 12 jersey.   I passed some guy today who was driving a 2004 Subaru Baja pick-up car with that bird face Seahawk sticker in the back window and a Real Men Drive Trucks bumper sticker.   Only a damn Seahawk fan would buy a Baja and call it a truck.  That’s like buying a McRib and calling it BBQ.  The 2012th Man will be in full force this Sunday both in the stadium and at local bars across the country.  On Sunday, “I’m from Seattle bro, been a fan my whole life” will be heard spewing from the mouths of guys in pleated stone washed jeans and braided belts pounding apple flavored beer.  Not even 5 years ago these same milquetoast clowns were yelling Who Dat while taking oddly angled selfies of their pudgy bespectacled faces.  These “fans” will arrive at watch parties and bars all decked out in ugly new fluorescent green Wilson jerseys .  Here’s a little free money making idea for my fellow Panther fans.  Stand in front of wherever you will be watching the game on Sunday with a pair of scissors.  Make a sign that reads $1.00 Tag Cutting: Remove those pesky sales tags.  You could make some decent beer money by cutting the tags off crisp new Hawks jerseys in the two hours prior to the game.  Only Donald Trump sports a larger bandwagon and even his “I’m gonna build a giant wall my first month in office!!!!” statements aren’t as ridiculous as some of the crap Russell Wilson puts out there.  

So if you haven’t heard, ol’ Rusty is trying to sell us on some magic liquid that heals leprosy and makes you rich.  Water to wine he says.  The magic elixir.  Straight from Jesus to a plastic bottle just for Russ to market to the masses.  Russell Carrington Wilson drank some bottled tap water and it healed his concussion!  Like instantly.  Give me a break Russ.  That sh*t is dumber than trying to put Ciara’s virginity back into the bottle.  You know Ciara saw the picture of Russ in his mom jeans and was second guessing the whole re-virginization situation.  If Russell really has conversations with God like he claims, one would think the creator might have offered Russ a little advice and told him to pass on the untucked Hawaiian shirt and Martha Stewart jeans combo.  As Panther fans, we are used to seeing our QB get bashed for his choices in post game attire.  Let’s be honest, not many of us are going to throw on some capri pants with bedazzled loafers and a pink blazer, but I’m a 40 year old married guy that drove his wife’s minivan to a NASCAR race on Sunday and even I think Russell Wilson dresses like a dad getting ready to move his kid into a college dorm.  The dude went straight to the Kathy Lee Gifford Caribbean Casual Wear page at Walmart.com and clicked purchase on the Wilford Brimley Spring Collection.  He gets under my skin worse than that goofy little blonde four eyed cousin sumbitch that moved in with the Brady Bunch and I want our defense to punish him.

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For around 4,000 years, Native Americans inhabited the region that we call Seattle.  In 1852 a group of Eurotrash squatters made a wrong turn and sailed their little boat into Puget Sound and proceeded to steal the area from the Suquamish tribe.  They named the area Seattle which means “Land of meth head women” in the regional Native American tongue.  After more than 150 years of Anglo-Saxon inbreeding, the population is now roughly 85% Caucasian baristas.  A city known for behemoths like Microsoft and Boeing has a population of depressed youths whose goal in life is to serve $15 Skinny Vanilla Latte’s to each other.  As for the game this Sunday it should be a battle of wills.  Defense versus defense.  We can’t make stupid penalties and we have to cover a damned punt for once in our team’s history.  Perhaps we should let the team know that it is legal to tackle the punt returner before he makes a 30 yard return.  Special teams will be imperative this Sunday.  We need to pressure that little pipsqueak QB.  That clown fumbled the ball 11 times last year and the ball bounced back to him 11 times.  He throws hail marry rainbow prayers up every other pass.  Our DBs will get their hands on two of them.  Our defensive line will create pressure and get to Wilson and his luck against us will finally change.  I’m not sure if Lynch will play or not but he hasn’t done much against us in the last 5 meetings.  The other RB they have has played pretty damned good.  Vegas seems to think we will lose by a touchdown or more but my money is on a much closer game.  We finally get the monkey off our back this year.  The Panthers will be down 7-6 heading into the fourth quarter.  After a Wilson sack/fumble or INT, Cam Newton takes our offense on a 4 minute clock killing drive that ends in a touchdown to Greg Olsen.  Seahawk fans, get your ass in the kitchen and make me a Mocha Frapuccino with skim milk.   

Panthers 13
Seachickens 6

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Oscar.thumb.jpg.8a4fea4469ba61d0abad7437

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PhillyB Grand Master

PhillyB

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He gets under my skin worse than that goofy little blonde four eyed cousin sumbitch that moved in with the Brady Bunch and I want our defense to punish him.

omg the coup de fuggin grace right here. cousin oliver was the worst fuging thing to ever happen in television history

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