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Seahawks week (there is really a Southeastern Sea Hawk fan club? Are you f'ing serious?)

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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We got our asses beat, suck it Green Bay.  At least our southern women don’t travel in herds and eat regurgitated cheese curds.  I’m flushing that game faster than I flush a turd when I’m taking a poop in the office restroom.  Marination equals contamination I always say.   Next up is a team with the ugliest colors in sport hailing from a region where 9 out of 10 adult males serve coffee for a living and call themselves barista’s with a gloating pride matched only by the overwhelming stench of the patchuli oil they use to cover up the osmidrosis (google that poo) after a night of frantically researching Seahawks history so they can sound informed behind the counter. 

 

You know, I was going to keep my fat mouth shut about this Seahawks game because there is a Hawks fan that regularly posts on here and seems to be a good dude.  I mean we don’t have much room to talk this season and I’m not much in the joking mood this week.  However, I had the misfortune of seeing a post on here that mentioned something called the Southeastern Sea Hawkers fan club or some poo and it kind of made me shart in anger.  Are you f*cking serious?!  The Southeastern Sea Hawkers club?  These idiots should be flat out embarrassed to walk on this planet.  I have been alive for some 39 years and I have met two, TWO, Seahawks fans in my entire life prior to two years ago.  One was a Baptist evangelist that took a Seahawks jacket out of a collection box for a Holiday coat drive.  The other was a stripper who worked at a strip club that used to be a Western Sizzler in Murrells Inlet, SC.  She went by the name Princess Labia and she could pick up a $25 stack of quarters off the stage without using her hands or feet.   Our team is only 20 years old and we had more fans than the Seahawks until recently.  Now they have some stupid ass fan club in the southeast?  I challenge you to find a bigger group of bandwagon jumping Sally’s walking this planet.  These clowns make Benedict Arnold look like a loyal soldier.  I thought Pats, Cowboys, 49ers, and Saint fans were bad.  At least Cowboy fans existed prior to Y2K.  That stupid Greensboro Niner Empire group popped up like a sebaceous cyst on a homeless hookers ass last season but to a man, they were all idiots and harmless and couldn't spell their way out of a wet paper bag.  I loathe Saints fans with a passion and our expatriate Spaniard friend whom I will not mention by name but closely resembles a Rosie O’Donnell/Bob Ross love child does not help extinguish that hatred.  But at least the Saints are in the southeast.  Much like Red Sox fans exist because of Jimmy Fallon in Fever Pitch, Pats fans exist because of a metrosexual whining Nancy boy QB.  In our “Everybody gets a ribbon” society, I can understand why weak kneed losers jumped on that bandwagon as soon as they saw Brady in his first pair of Uggs.  Now you have this next generation of bandwagonism.  Southeastern Seahawks fans.  Laughing my f*cking ass off.  They have a QB who tries harder to be a Howdie Doodie “Aw Schucks” good guy than Peyton Manning.  The rally around this 12th Man mantra but I guarantee 99% of the Southeastern Sea Hawkers group have never stepped foot in CenturyLink Field.  Now they walk around proclaiming Seahawks Country because they went to Walmart.com and ordered a flag and a jersey and paid the extra $3 to get 2 day shipping so they could get it in time for the game this Sunday and flaunt Seahawks fan hood in front of their neighbors with loyalties to the home team.  Charlotte sucks in that way, but it is our duty to call these sciolistic nincompoops out.  Apparently they are setting up shop this week at RoaringRiot’s joint.  They are going to roll up in their 2001 Pontiac Aztec with the South Carolina license tags and the Seahawks flags.  They will extend that lame ass tent out of the hatchback and set up their table and chairs and start chanting whatever it is they read about on the internet that Seahawks fans in Seattle chant.  Instead of a grill they will set up a Kuerig brewer and plug it into the Aztec’s adapter and brew fresh coffee because that is what they think tailgaters do in Seattle.  They will claim “Seahawks fan for life brah!!!”  or “I’ve been a fan since 1950 bro!  Hasselbeck bro!”  But we know better, we all know better. Peel off that florescent yellow Super Bowl champs bumper sticker and you will find a Broncos sticker or perhaps a Giants sticker or maybe even a Redskins sticker.   So enjoy your team du jour oh Patriarchs of the Bandwagon.  fuging sell outs.  Now get back to your trunk and make me a Skinny Vanilla Latte with extra foam and give me a slice of banana nut bread.

 

As for the game this Sunday?  “All Yell” Norwell is going to blow a hole in the Seahawks defense and we score 72.  Russell Wilson will get caught up trying to answer every question with a cliché filled rant followed by 3,000 different ways to rephrase how “he’s just blessed for this opportunity to play QB in the NFL” and as a result he will miss the game.

 

Panthers 72

Seahawks 4

 
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