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Loving the Panthers is like crapping at an interstate Exxon

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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TheCrackasaur Explorer

TheCrackasaur

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, SCP said:

Listen, I love this fuggin Panthers team more than I should. Lord knows I’ve spent thousands of hours on toilets around the world reading Panthers content. My twig and berries have been crammed into Euro toilets so tightly that I had to wipe the backside of my balls after pooping and I was still digesting Panthers content. I have season tickets. I go to a road game or two every year. I pay my dues like all of y’all do. At least 4 of my hemorrhoids are a result of The Huddle and the other 3 are because of Twitter and I’m considering filing a lawsuit against Igo for emotional damages to my brown eye. I am also an unapologetic Rhule hater. He’s a buffoon who should be coaching at my alma mater, WCU, not in the NFL. But he is the out of shape hand we’ve been dealt. His first two years were like that first sh*tty car you owned as a youth. That 1998 Pontiac Aztec with 300K miles, bald tires, rusted doors and the gotdamn missing pop-out tent that Pontiac always advertised so you could watch people smoke meth at the KOAs across America. But here’s the deal, nobody had that tent and no matter where your road is taking you, you always have to stop to poop. And sometimes the only place you can find is a franchise Exxon with an exterior restroom, a locked door, a single key attached to a coxsackievirus (Google that poo) laden toilet plunger handle, and a toilet that hasn’t been cleaned since 1964. The question you need to ask yourself is do you poo or do you hold it and risk dysentery?
 

My point is, Matt Rhule is our dirty toilet. As much as I dislike him, I am going to grab that key from the cashier, risk catching campylobacter (Google that too), hover my hairy ass over that Jackson Pollock toilet seat, and pray to the lord that my turd doesn’t come out sideways.

I think we have a pretty damn decent roster. Am I an idiot? Sure. I thought Deonte Brown was the next Larry Allen and I am wrong 100 times more often than I am right, but I think our roster can compete and as much as it pains me to say this, I think our coaching staff has a chance to not get out-coached this season as long as Rhule doesn’t get in the way.
 

Tom Brady is looking like Magda from Something About Mary, the Saints are 40 Jamie’s INTs from being .500, and the Falcons roster is more embarrassing than that time Matt Ryan literally crapped himself and had a skid mark in his game pants on national TV. 
 

If the stars align and Fitterer makes a few moves over the next few days, we could be looking at 12-5 or 16-1. 
 

if you’re not a Panthers fan, f*ck your team.

We goin to the Superb Owl bois.

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